


How We Got to Where We Are

by cosmotronic



Category: Ghostbusters (2016)
Genre: F/F, Friendship, Neurodiversity, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-02-15
Updated: 2017-02-15
Packaged: 2018-09-24 17:03:36
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,056
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9773489
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cosmotronic/pseuds/cosmotronic
Summary: The important thing is she won't be alone when she gets there.





	

**Author's Note:**

> Bear with me.

she's not lonely but sometimes she'll go out – to bars and clubs, mostly – and sometimes to the coffee shop or the library or the park,

and the zoo, she goes there each and every day because the monkey keeper is cute and the monkeys are too,

(even if that one time a monkey throws poop at her)

yeah they're cute and she thinks the monkey keeper is nice and it's the closest she's got to having someone to do girlfriend-stuff with, though they never have sex but they do have fun and they kiss and talk and it feels good but after a bit the monkey keeper looks at her and questions, but they're not in the same space and she doesn't know

she doesn't think she needs to be _looked after_

she doesn't think she needs _help_

and then she doesn't see the monkey keeper any more, after she shows off an invention that sparks in the coolestwayever and goes poof

– the Holtzmann Torque-Flight Jet-Assisted Get-Ready-To-Catch Toaster; Erin likes that one a lot even if it still doesn't quite toast evenly –

and the monkey keeper tells her she is _too weird_ and that she needs to _go_ and leave and never come back, go before the police get there

and she does _go_ , but she doesn't think she's weird like that, not **dangerous** , not since Doctor Gorin's hair grew back and it's only a small fire, so she shows Abby her invention and gets a sideways-hug and a

_I love it, that's really cool_

(and it is)

_Holtz..._

and then a

_you're wonderful, don't let anyone tell you otherwise_

because Abby knows, somehow Abby always knows, but it doesn't cheer her up

(and it's only her and Abby at this point, no Patty or Kevin or Erin-with-an-E to make her smile)

so Abby gives her the fortune cookie from the crinkly brown paper bag and parks her at her lab desk with her tools and her crunchy snacks – salty, parabolas, once you pop –

_you hear me,_

and she's okay after a day or so

_Holtz?_

and the fortune cookie snaps at her _may you live in interesting times_

and these are interesting times, because there's an **apocalypse** right around the corner

but not quite yet

because they aren't the Ghostbusters yet, and she's not sure if she believes in ghosts, not sure what believing without seeing really is, but she read a book once

(Abby's book, and Erin's book, and she doesn't know who Erin is yet but she likes her picture and her mind is so sexy on the page even if Abby says that Erin turned her back on all that)

and the book was real, hard science but with ghosts and she thinks that if she can help Abby see then maybe she can believe so she uses her tools and her ideas and invents and for the first time in a long time she is

happy,

no,

content

but she has **needs** so she'll go out – to bars and clubs, mostly – and she's actually really good at taking women to pieces, and it's always women;

she tries to kiss a man, once

and he is all scratchy and ew, gross and there aren't enough curves and there aren't any boobs and it is way worse than when the boy at school tries to kiss her – at least the boy is sort of sweet and doesn't get too handsy and, when she thinks about it later, the boy kinda does have boobs

hahahahahahahahaha – mmmhmm – hahaha

but wait there's a girl at school too and all the girls are just starting to get boobs –

– she loves boobs, and asses too, and soft lips and bright eyes and shiny hair and heads, shoulders, knees and toes but mainly she loves boobs –

anyway, she really likes the girl and the girl doesn't call her weird like the other kids or her teachers, and her teachers are always annoyed and calling her mother and sending letters home to her mother and her mother has to visit the principle because she

_acts out_

sometimes and doesn't do the work they give her, but the girl likes her and they kiss for a bit behind the gym

and she goes home and tells her mother that the girl made her heart sing and her mother stares at her for a bit and **shouts** at her for a bit and locks her in her room for a bit to _think about what she's done_

so she thinks about it for a bit, for years probably, but she kisses lots of other girls while she's thinking about it, and in the end she knows her mother is relieved when she goes off to college

(not only because of the girl who made her soul soar)

because lots of people are calling her weird lately

(but her mother loves her, she thinks)

_god, Jill, why couldn't you just have been normal?_

and the police come around a couple of times and sometimes the police bring men in dull suits who ask her questions about her inventions and she loves to talk about her inventions, even when the police and the men in suits have to bring men in white coats to understand what she's saying, and one time a woman comes around too –

– that's Doctor Gorin –

_call me Rebecca, Jillian_

and offers to pay her way through college and _keep her out of trouble_ and her mother can't push her out of the door fast enough

but it's okay because she likes Doctor Gorin but doesn't like to call her Rebecca, and Doctor Gorin doesn't call her weird, calls her

_odd_

_gifted_

_reckless_

_Jillian_

_worth it_

and gives her proper tools and goggles that match her glasses, lets her

f r e e

for the first time to bash and hammer and mould her ideas into a reality without letters to her mother or the police showing up, but Doctor Gorin also makes her work under _controlled conditions_

and tells her to write down everything she does even though she hates writing because her pen isn't fast enough for her ideas, only her tools are fast enough, but she tries really hard and when she's done writing she goes out – to bars and clubs, mostly – and

kisses some more girls, and some women too

(but not Doctor Gorin, never Doctor Gorin)

_not in that way, Jillian_

and that's when she learns to take them apart – the women – take them to pieces with her hands and her mouth, but aside from that she keeps her mouth still and her hands quiet, in case they tell her she is too weird and that she needs to go and never come back, go before the police get there

so, at the bars and the clubs, she'll dance and dance and drink a bit too much to completely be herself because she gets told that she is weird when she's herself – and she does know she's weird, gets it now, plays to it sometimes, but it's usually too much – so she knocks back just enough alcohol to nudge her over the line from

_weird_

to

_fun_

because the women like fun and she knows she's pretty enough to nearly always end up in someone's lap and sometimes their bed but she doesn't stay the night because in the morning it would be back to being weird, so she struts home

after

and crashes into her own bed

later on she is glad that Erin doesn't think she's weird – okay, so Erin probably does think she's a teeny bit weird at first, and certainly crazy but crazy is good, but it doesn't scare her and that's new

because Erin just smiles, a little shy, and laughs when she dances and gazes at her with what she thinks is

adoration, but maybe not because she's not sure what that looks like; she thinks it looks like this but she has to be sure so she makes sure she is herself and only herself around Erin

(she does have a drink in a bar – not a club – after the apocalypse but she thinks she pulls it off)

even if that means she's

weird

instead of

fun

(Patty calls it flirting, Abby calls it peacock-ing – wow – like the freakin' bird, maybe she can pull off feathers, she knows she can but Doctor Gorin says they are a _fire hazard_ , Kevin shushes her and covers his eyes)

but Erin still smiles, a little shy, and laughs when she dances and gazes at her with what she thinks is

adoration, and calls her _something else_

but never weird, each and every day, and says

_nice job, Holtz_

whenever she shows off her inventions or takes down a ghost in the coolestwayever and she finds herself living for that a little more, each and every day

which is really dumb because she should **hate** Erin, because Erin **hurt** Abby and Abby is her friend, her only friend, her best friends forever kind of friend, who gets excited at her inventions and doesn't give up on her –

_um, Holtzmann?_

– ever –

_fire!_

and her and Abby, they've known each other for years now and they've kind of got a teamwork thing going on, where Abby will want to see and needs to help to do

and she will make something to do whatever Abby wants it to do and always a little bit more because even though she knows Abby doesn't want to be taken to pieces with her hands and her mouth

_not in that way, Holtz_

she still likes to blow Abby's mind a little bit

Patty too, though she's only known Patty for days – weeks, months, maybe – and Patty says she is _terrifying_ but she knows Patty doesn't mean it, Patty's strong and nothing scares her and Patty will punch the kids who call her weird –

huh

anyway, she thinks Patty gets her a little bit better than nearly all the people she's ever known

after all, Patty deals with crazies on the subway all the time, no need to be afraid of little old her who's only a little bit crazier and slightly less weird than what Patty finds that time on the carriage to Queens

but Erin, oh, Erin-with-an-E for Everything She Wants and she does want it – not everything, that's stupid, wants Erin, just Erin – in a way that's more than she ever wants the girls at school and the women at the bars and the clubs, more than she ever wants the monkey keeper, and the barista, and the library assistant, and the traffic warden

(though, that uniform, mmm)

but Erin wants Kevin, maybe

maybe not

but Erin wants Kevin, at the start, when they're not quite the Ghostbusters yet – before they're on TV, and that's so cool, being on TV – and they only become the Ghostbusters because Erin comes and **yells** at Abby about the book

(Abby's book, and Erin's book)

and Abby **yells** back and Erin's like a single point of bright brilliance in infinite empty space, a singularity in a tiny bow tie and painful shoes, sucks her in and leaves her gasping

and she should hate Erin – dumb – but she doesn't want Erin to go so she introduces herself and she's kind of halfway-herself and they end up at an old creaky mansion and Abby sees and Erin sees and she sees a

GHOST

holy fuck

a GHOST

yes, yes and it's her and Abby and Erin and Patty and, um, Kevin and they have so much fun and she can feel the ideas bubbling inside her, faster than her tools sometimes, like when she gives Erin the Holtzmann Ecto-Be-Gone Proton Hand Cannon even though it's not ready and she has to give Erin something else instead, anything else, think, think

her Swiss Army knife, a knife that does everything that you want

do they need a license for that, they probably need licenses for everything; Patty always asks her if she has a license for driving and she does - though it's not got her own picture on it or her own name on it - so that's covered

and then the apocalypse rolls around, which she thinks she deals with rather well, thank you, despite being beat up a bit and dangled out of a window by Abby –

– not Abby –

_I got you, baby_

and squashed by a giant marshmallow man and seeing Abby and Erin and Abby and Erin and Abby and Erin and Abby and Erin go

no, hng

**NO**

then it's later, much, much later, months, maybe even years

(she's not really sure because time is one of those things she's always had a special relationship with, it's a give-and-take affair)

but they're dating now, her and Erin, and that is inevitable because she looks at Erin with what she thinks is adoration, too, even when Erin's having a quiet day, even when Erin pulls away and hates, even when Erin leans into her open arms and soaks her shoulder with tears

so she doesn't go to the bars and clubs any more, doesn't drink to be not-herself, instead she takes Erin to that milkshake cafe where they let her be weird

and to the museum

and to the park

but not the zoo because, you know, poop

and one time it's winter and they go skating and tumble to the ice because neither of them really know how to skate and Erin ends up

on

top

of

her

crushing her, both of them all bundled up in woolly hats and scarves and gloves with their red, red noses touching and then their chapped lips touch and it's like a **fucking supernova** in her brain

so they've been dating for a while, since the winter at least and dating is a bit of an insufficient word for it because they do lots of things together that aren't dates or even girlfriend-stuff, things like reading and watching TV and shopping and cooking – that's just Erin – and dumpster-diving – that's just her – and hanging out with their friends and

seeing

(and one time Erin goes on a cleaning spree in their lab and moves some things and she gets a bit too weird and Erin gets a bit confused but not scared and next time Erin puts all the things back very nearly right)

and she doesn't think she'll like another person so close to her like that, close enough to never question but Erin's her other half; they occupythesamespace, like they're one big whole and that makes it okay, she thinks

and, oh yeah, they also bust ghosts and deal with little apocalypses and Erin thinks and Erin's mind is so sexy on the whiteboard, and she has ideas and invents

and dating is a bit of an innocent word for it because when they aren't doing friend-stuff, or busting ghosts and breaking down the laws of physics and saving the city, they have **sex** –

– of course they kiss first, and do girlfriend-stuff like holding each other and talking –

(and she loves to hear Erin talk, to hear Erin slowly get more and more excited about science or ghosts or food or their friends or them and she knows Erin likes to hear all about her ideas, her inventions and Erin even sits and listens when she tries to talk about herself-as-herself and that always comes out all mumbly and wrong but Erin listens anyway)

and sometimes they fight but they never stay angry for long and when Erin is angry Erin gets all scrunchy-faced and red and cute and she just wants to

_so reckless–_

kiss it all better and stroke smooth skin and cup firm boobs – they fit so perfectly in her hands, she actually envies the lacy black bra Erin wears for their first time together – and brush her lips across pink nipples and maybe bite down a little bit and drag her fingers down through soft curls and push – gently! – into that hot hot heat and swallow Erin's moans, snatch Erin's sighs from the air with her mouth and do that thing with her thumb and the other thing with her fingers and suck salt from Erin's skin and trace infinity with her tongue, look for all the answers, seek out all the meanings and watch for everything that can be and will ever be and find forever in a touch

_not your fault, I know you try_

so yeah, they usually end up having sex

_please don't ever change_

and about the sex, Erin is a bit shy at first but that is okay because she is too, because she knows that Erin doesn't have a lot of experience with women and would be comparing

small soft squishy her

with hard, sharp lines and scratchy chins

but then Erin breaks into little itty bitty pieces beneath her and screams

_Jill-, ung, god, Holtz!_

(and names are new, the women in the bars and the clubs never have names that aren't a fiction, never ask for her name)

and whispers

_you're amazing  
_

after

and that is scary – not like Class V Apparition scary but Scary scary – and she maybe cries a little bit and suddenly Erin isn't shy at all, is sweet and brave and kisses her so softly, kisses her all over and holds her so very close, all their squishy bits pressed together

and they sleep there all night and in the morning it isn't weird and she takes Erin apart again and then Erin fucks her until she

comes

apart, nope not shy at all

and that's pretty much where she is right now, with her mind blown and her body boneless, curled up in bed with the woman she loves –

_I love you_

– yep, **loves** –

_Holtzy..._

a kiss on the lips, now

_sweetheart_

and she knows it's love because it's Erin and it's more than fun and sex; this fucking aches but it's a good ache and they have to get up soon but she doesn't want to, she wants to stay wrapped together with Erin until time is a number too large to reckon and she doesn't know if time is going to let them do that and the sheets are damp but

screw you

if she isn't going to try

and

breathe.

**Author's Note:**

> Okay, that was dense and non-linear and whatnot, so apologies if it's hard to read. It's just how my creativity functions (dear lord you should read some of the things in my WIP folder) and it actually fits a very particular take on Holtz I've had stuck in my head for a while. So I didn't do the thing where I bash it into real English like I normally have to do, instead I just ran with it.
> 
> Also: a word on boobs. Isn't it refreshing to just write _boobs_ and not _breasts_ or _curves_ or _mountainous peaks of womanhood_?


End file.
